Mysteries in Life

I wonder...I question... I overanalyze the meaning of life. Its all so mysterious. To those who have lost hope. To all of little faith. Believe me I have been in those shoes before. This life is not an easy road. We must be broken in order to be put back together. We have to be hurt in order to learn. We have to let go of the things we once loved in order to see the brighter future before us. No this life is not easy, but it still gives me hope. I believe in something higher than myself. It is this belief that gives me faith in a life worth living. I have been broken, hurt, and beaten down, but I refuse to surrender. I will never give up on the plans that my God has set out before me.

A Season of Change

It was so interesting to reflect just how much my life has changed not just in this last year, but even in just a short semester. I was not sure if I would continue blogging until a great family friend and past neighbor asked me why I didn't write anymore. The more I thought about it, the more I realized he was right. Sure, I specifically created a Blog to keep a running record of my experiences in India, but India was more than a place I did a 6 week medical internship. India changed my life in more ways than you could imagine and challenged me beyond what I thought was my mental capacity.

Because of that I am on this amazing whirlwind of a transitional phase in my life. I barley had anytime to debrief my time in India when I got back because of summer school and other obligations, but as the semester progressed the more I recognized just how much India truly impacted me. The biggest part was of course choosing to transfer from Colorado back to Texas in order to study nutrition at Texas A&M University. I really wanted to stay in Colorado, but with out-of-state tuition fees, I knew I had to be smarter with my time and money. Texas A&M University has an AMAZING research based program that will allow me to have a wide range of career options after I graduate and of course in-state-tuition is so much more affordable. Logically it makes sense that I am back in Texas, but my heart still pulls me towards Colorado and desires to explore the world not as a tourist, but as a person truly interested in learning about different cultures, lifestyles, and history.

The semester brought so many challenges upon me that were really tough to face, but I am confidant that this next semester will encourage me and remind me of my own purpose. I have an advantage over most traditional students. I have this motivation behind me in the sense that no matter how hard things have gotten... I still see the faces of my Indian friends who have suffered a long and hardworking life without the opportunity for education. I have a chance to make something of myself.  In my opinion, if anyone puts their mind to a reasonable desire or goal... It can be accomplished. It is not to say that it will be an easy task, but its the mental endurance and the pure belief in ourselves that we can accomplish something great. Nothing comes directly to you. Warning to all of those who are afraid of the dreaded four letter word "work"... Hard WORK WILL be involved. Personally I don't want anything handed to me on a silver platter. The reward of the accomplishment just isn't as great. I'm not afraid of hard work or the challenges that lie ahead. All I see ahead of me are the possibilities of a great and adventure filled life.

Here is to a fresh start and a Happy New Year!

Cheers!

Forever Changed

Home Sweet Home

Home Sweet Home
July 8, 2011
The journey home followed the same theme that I had going on in India…Expect the unexpected. We left base at 2am just to start heading to the airport. There were raids and strikes going on that day so just to play it safe we wanted to give ourselves plenty of time to arrive for my flight even if we were stopped at barricades. We had no problem getting there luckily. Everything seemed to be going smoothly except for having the windows down on the drive in the middle of a rain storm and our driver running though a puddle and me getting splashed with dirty water. But like everything else that happens in India you just have to laugh. Goodbyes are never fun. The people I have met have meant the world to me and I will truly miss them. I was about to check my baggage when they informed me that my flight has been delayed two hours. Instead of leaving at 6:45 it was now to part at 8:30. Normally this really would not have been a huge issue, but my connection in London was leaving at the time I was to arrive. According to everyone I talked to to try and figure a way to make it they said it was impossible for me to catch. When someone in India says something is impossible…trust me...they really mean it. In most cases if you really need something to be done you can just pay someone off. They informed me that I would in fact miss my connection in London, gave their sincere apologies, and insured me that they would provide me a hotel in London for the night at their expense. In my head I was thinking hey that’s really not so bad… I can go explore London for a few hours and have dinner at a pub or something, get some rest, and then continue my journey home. However the only problem with this was that I would already be missing 2 days of intense summer school and if I did not get home missing 3 days would literally be a death sentence to my brain. I know I needed to find a way home. After arriving in London, still tried after getting maybe only 2 hours of sleep on a 10 and a half hour flight, I waited in a terribly long line to arrange the new flight plans. I was literally overwhelmed by the amount of white people I saw! I felt like I was in this whole new world. What was really neat though was making friends with some of the Indians on my plane. I realized how judgmental we are as a human population…including myself. I have been so used to Indian culture and I absolutely love the sarees and sawarrs that they wear, but coming into a western culture wearing that its amazing to look at everyone’s faces who stare at them and begin to chuckle, whisper, and make cruel jokes. I was so upset and bothered by the people in India who stared at me for being white, but realizing just how much we stare at people with a different culture and judge them more harshly then they judge us… it sort of humbles you in a way and gives you more compassion and understanding for people. I kinda feel connected with my Indian friends now. Almost as if I understand where they are coming from and what it feels like to be judged immediately by what you’re wearing, what color your skin is, or how you look.
After finally being able to talk to an employee I found out there was one more way for me to get home. There was a flight leaving for Newark, NJ in an hour and from there I could catch another airlines connection to Houston. With much contemplation I decided that although this would be the stressful option…all I really wanted to do at this point was to get home. The lady who worked with me was such a huge help. She booked my tickets, gave me the new itinerary, and sent me with special privileges along the fast track way though security! It was kinda nice to skip the HUGE line, but at the same time there really was absolutely no time for me to waste. I literally was running though the airport to try to catch the flight that I desperately did not want to miss. Security has never moved slower and they took away my mango juice that I got in India. That stuff was so good and I was really looking forward to drinking it, but I had no time to argue or complain…I had a plane to catch. I ran though the massive crowd of people and down the escalator and when I reached the gate they gave the final boarding call and I was the last one through the gate. I made it…but barley. Exhausted and worried about sparing enough time to catch my next flight I was in no mood to talk to the nice German boys next to me. The flight was packed and I found out that I did in fact get the very last seat. I tried to get as much sleep as I could on this flight, but of course the quality of sleep on airplanes is never very good. I suppose I basically was like a walking zombie at this point. Especially now looking back at it all that I really don’t remember much. As we landed I waited anxiously to get off the plane…I had less than an hour to get to my next flight. Here I had to go through customs as well as security… I prepared m self mentally to run and boy did I ever run. Being stuck in London for the night didn’t seem so bad, but there was no way that I wanted to be stuck in NJ for the night. The one good thing about being in NJ was that I was one step closer to being home and I could actually use my phone to call my mom and let her know what time she may or may not be able to pick me up. She was totally surprised to hear I was in NJ. I spoke to her in Hyderabad on an overpriced phone call to let her know that I more than likely would be in London for the night and thus arrive at home on the 7th rather than the 6th. I booked it though customs and then ran to the nearest ticket counter that would print me out my boarding pass…they only words they had for me were “I would hurry if I were you if you want to catch that flight…” As if I was not already worried and exhausted enough… I found a few hundred feet later that to get to the terminal I needed to be at I had to catch the tram. The people on the tram were all so funny and nice. I told them my situation and they were so helpful. As we were on the tram you could see the outline of New York City! I haven’t been there myself yet, but hey I saw the skyline which was at least something. As the tram began to move forward my body apparently was way more exhausted than I even realized. The person next to me had to catch me from falling. Because I have been sitting and flying for so long my bodies balance was entirely thrown off. They laughed at me of course. Finally made it to the terminal, but no joke I have never seen security move slower. I was watching the time tick down and the panic begin to set in…I just wanted to get home. Finally made it though…and once again as soon as I arrived at my gate the boarding had just began… I made it, but barley. The flight was very empty which was nice. I had three seats to myself where I just laid down and finally got some decent sleep for about an hour or so. The plane arrived in Houston at 11:45 ish. It was a nice reunion with my mom who came and picked me up. I can’t help but laugh at the tears she was shedding. I think I was too tired to really understand that I was home in America. I was just happy to be at a secure destination. We waited and waited for my luggage, but not to my surprise, it never showed up. We talked to several people and they said they would get it sent to us today when it arrived, but as of today at midnight it has still yet to show up.
After getting into college station from Houston it was so nice to have an actual shower and then sleep in probably the most comfortable ever. I didn’t get bug bites, and I was not sweating my entire water weight out…it was amazing. Really…these are maybe some of the things I appreciate most about America (besides our freedom of course). I had to get up the next day for summer school. After already missing two days of only a 5 week course… I feel so behind and can’t help but feel overwhelmed by the amount of work I need to do to catch up. The professor was really helpful though and gave me a good over view of what I need to do exactly to quote on quote “keep my head above the water”. He even called me crazy at one point for even trying to take this class. I have this huge motivation behind me though and although it is not an ideal situation for me to be taking this class right now when all I want to do is rest and process, I see the end result of it all. I know the weekend will bring little rest, if at all, but I am hoping for at least a little room to breathe in the following days so I can tell my family and friends what exactly I have experienced and show them pictures of the people who I will hold close to my heart forever. I don’t know exactly what the Lord has in store for me as far as returning to India. I would love to go back at some point to see my friends and use my new skill after school, to make an even larger impact. Everyone I have met and the organization I was with will be in my prayers and thoughts constantly.

Day 41

Day 41
July 4, 2011
Happy 4th of July America!! Who would have thought we could be so patriotic in such a far away land half way across the world from home. Even our Indian friends greeted us with handshakes and had at least a little fourth of July spirit. At dinner we even had a brilliant argument about different countries conquering parts of the work..ugh UK… it was three Americans verses one English person and one Indian. Probably the funniest conversation ever! It even ended with the star spangled banner being sung by one of the girls. After dinner I just talked to some of the friends I have made here. We talked about nothing really important, but I couldn’t help but think how much I truly am going to miss my friends here. My Indian friend “GW” is probably the funniest guy I have met… no matter what mood he is in he is always laughing and finds a way to crack a joke. Honestly, I never know when he is being serious of joking because he is always laughing. His laughs are contagious though and the more time you spend with him the funnier he gets… especially with his Indian accent.
We stated the day bright and early with sun rise yoga… wait did I say yoga… I meant sun rise Insanity. Literally insanity… It was our first workout in the second session and it was a killer, but totally worth it afterwards. Instead of going to the clinic in the morning today I went out with the slum ministry to NCL 1 and 2. It was really neat to compare it to all the other slums I have been too. Although the people were great and a slum is still a slum… I still have this deep connection and passion for the people of Mud Fort. I just see so much true need and help there. Going to a slum with a non-medical mission however is quite different then what I am used to. I like going to try and help a person’s physical needs so that then they can take care of their spiritual ones, but going to just sit with kids and color was great and all, but not really my thing. Once again I think that confirms that teaching is not my forte.
After the slum I was so tired. I really wanted to go sleep for like 3 hours, but I know that my time is ticking here and I don’t want to spend it laying around in a room that I have been in for 6 weeks. Instead I decided to go fulfill my mango craving I have been having for the past two days. It was the first time, I guess you can say, that I left the comforts of my home base alone. I walked up the road to suchitra  probably spelt that wrong, but it basically means the cross roads. I walked up there to a grocery store called spencer’s to get a few last minute things to bring home like chi tea, but I also wanted to look at the mangos they had… they were not very good and they were overpriced. So I walked a little further up and on the other side of the road they have an array of fruit vendors, bakers, and the like. I found the best mangos over there! I had one after dinner! My goal was to have one mango per day until the time I left, but I broke that promise to myself so tomorrow I will be making up for it. I have three mangos left…one for breakfast, lunch, and dinner! I am sure they will all be in between meals, but no matter when I eat them I know that they will not disappoint! If you couldn’t already tell I am a bit obsessed with mangos.
After my mango adventure I went down to the clinic just for a little bit to see what was going on and check in with all the doctors and nurses down there. It was nice down there today just to talk to the other intern from Colorado area who is in his first year of med school. Its interesting to see what all he has learned already within his first year, what his ambitions are, and knowing that one day soon that it could be me! I have so much going for me and I feel so blessed to see a clear vision of what I am meant to do in my life. Although no plans are certain for my future, I do know that God has me on the right track and has placed certain passions and ambitions on my heart that are not easy ones to have. Knowing that he chose me to have these goals is a true honor and I couldn’t feel more happy, blessed, and secure in his plans for me. There are challenging aspects to it for sure, but what would life be without those challenges…?
I started packing today also… sad day. The last few days in India have been some of my favorite which does not make going home any easier. I hope tomorrow, my last full day, goes by slow and allows me to absorb everything I have experienced. I hope goodbyes are not too difficult. I want to rest in the hope that one day God might bring me back here with a new set of knowledge and skills that will truly allow me to transform and make an impact on the lives of the people here. As far as I know now however is that I have so much drive and motivation pushing me forward to pursue the goals that have been placed on my heart.

Day 40

Day 40

July 3, 2011

Today officially marked the end of my final weekend here in India and honestly I could not have imagined it any other way. I had the best time going to church in the morning, going to this amazing craft fair, hard rock café (our 4^th of July party), and the rickshaw ride on the way back was seriously the icing on the cake!

            Church here on base typically poses as a struggle to stay awake. I love the worship, but it’s just very traditional, conservative, and instead of focusing on lessons that can apply directly to your life they focus more on building up the church community. I agree, it is something that needs to be addressed and worked on, especially in India, but I am the type of person who always needs direction and guidance on how I personally can build my relationship with Christ, or sometimes I just need to be reminded that I am not worth to sit in the presence of God alone. Jesus came and died for me so I need to accept the gift and accept the forgiveness that I am offered. Some lessons are harder to hear than others, but also needed for self humblization (if that’s even a word). Today however I realized how much stuff I have encountered and in a way how I don’t want to leave. I know going back home poses its own challenges. I am preparing myself to face them, but I wish I didn’t have to face them. Ultimately it is by choice and just something I know that needs to be done, but in the end it does not have to mean that I personally want to do it. However, by following though with my intended plan, I see the bigger goal ahead that will make a larger impact on my life and mission.

When the songs were playing today I couldn’t help but see the faces of people I have interacted with. I don’t know if you have ever had that feeling or sensation, but this sort of reflection for me served as both happy memories and sadness for leaving it all behind. I got a lot of journaling done during the sermon, whether that is a good or a bad thing, but either way I had a chance to really be honest with myself and God, although some things I admitted were difficult to swallow. It helped remind me that God does have a plan. He always has. He continues to be faithful to me no matter what direction my life takes, but why is it that I still don’t trust Him? Why is it that I still try to live for myself and convince myself that it is from God? I realized just how little faith I have. Like anyone else who tries to pursue a relationship with Christ, I don’t want it to be this way, but my own sin is what is separating me and making me feel distanced from God.

Anyways, enough with that little rant…let’s move on to brighter subjects of the day. So after church we met a group of girls who are here for 4 weeks from Seattle Pacific University. They seem really nice and all, but in a very mean sort of way I don’t want to get to know them. I basically have like two days left and let’s be honest... how great of a relationship can you form with jet lagged Americans in two days (especially when you won’t be working with them). It sounds bad, but once you’re here for a while and you continue to see people come and go, you have to learn to invest your time in people and friends who will be there for you. If I were here longer then sure I would get to know them more, but my final days here are really going to be filled with though goodbyes. Why add to that list right…? From there we went to this really cool craft fair near high-tech city. You have to pay 25 rupees to get in which comes down to like 50 cents but to pay or not pay… it was totally worth it! It was about and hour rickshaw ride to there from base and there were tons of begging kids outside, which made it difficult, but once we got inside… I can’t believe I am going to say this… but it was like shopping heaven. They had so many different neat little booths filled with everything from amazing hand carved furniture, silk scarves, tapestries, wood work, cloths, food…anything you could probably imagine! The best part was that it was so inexpensive and the haggling of prices was very easy to do. It really is like an art form. I think I have mastered the bartering skill since I have been here…and jay walking.

After our shopping extravaganza we made our way half way back to base to Hard Rock Café. Why would we go to a place like this when you could get some great Indian food…? Simply because it was our way of celebrating America’s Independence day! Call me crazy, but I went for the veggie burger. I honestly do not think my stomach could handle a huge slab of meat right now, especially since I have not had meat in do long. Basically since I have been here the only nutrients I have been getting are carbs, carbs, carbs, and sugar.  Rice with everything. (they give you heaps of it!) Bread such as Nann or parata. Chi tea!!! Although probably one of my obsessions here…I’m pretty sure at least half the cup is pure sugar. We get veggies every once in a while in the curry, but on base I can guarantee you the nutritional value in them is ZERO because they are cooked til completely limp. Desperate times calls for desperate measures! I cannot handle curry in the morning so I have a few things that I make to at least get a little something in my stomach. I have been making this AMAZING chi French toast. I bought some eggs and some honey and yogurt. I beat and egg with a little chi…dip some whole wheat bread that I bought in the mixture… cook it on the skillet… and while it’s still warm I top it with a little e bit of peanut butter (which melts) , honey, and plain yogurt! So yummy! If they have bananas that day as well, I also top it with bananas. This may be one thing I make at home as well. It’s really good! But then again that is compared to curry.

After Hard Rock Café it was on to find the best rickshaw deal. Anything under 200 I would have taken but most of them were trying to charge us 500! I know we are white and clearly not Indian, but we are not dumb to the real cost it would take to get us back to base. By meter it would only be 120, but given the time of night and with traffic I would expect them to charge more. After being surrounded by 15 yelling rickshaw drivers we finally found one that settled for 200 Rs. At one point during my time we here we had a rickshaw race which was so much fun, but I think this rickshaw trip might have topped it! This guy had a full blown speaker system in the back of his rickshaw! It was legit. There were 5 of us crammed into this tiny thing holding shopping bags and all! 4 in the back and one in the front who happened to kind of get hit on by the drive. This guy started out playing some bollywood rap, but it only got better when he put on some Akon…Chingy…and wait for it…Brittany Spears!!! Haha moments like that make me fall in love with the craziness of India. We basically had a club in the back of our rickshaw! In appropriate to be dancing…maybe…but sometimes we can’t help but let our western traditions shine!

Day 39

Day 39

July 2, 2011

Last Saturday in India… last time at Ruci and Adonie…and hopefully the last time with a nasty rickshaw driver. I cannot tell you how much I wanted to barf on the way back to base today. This rickshaw driver we thought was a great bargain seeing as he was going to allow us to be charged according to meter rather than a ridiculously over priced rate… little did we know that we got quite a bit more than what we bargained for. Five minutes into our drive he pulls over to the side of the road near several street vendors. He reputedly asked us to give him rupees. Not for the charge of the ride, but he wanted us to buy him something from the vendors! It would be different if he were some sort of beggar who was starving in a life or death situation, but no… this guy had a whole pocket full of rupees from previous customers. Us buying him a snack was not included in the price. We couldn’t help but laugh. I still can’t get over India. Why do I love this place… your guess is as good as mine. This was not the worst part of our journey home. This rickshaw driver had the nastiest habit of hawking lugies! Uhh… I want to throw up just thinking about the god awful noise he was making as he forcefully hacked mucus up his throat. All three of us in the rickshaw were just waiting for it to fly back and come hit us smack in the face! At one point I thought I was the lucky victim, but to my utter joy and relief it was just a rain drop. After that rain drop hit me it was if all the heavens opened up and God just let the rain fall! It was so nice, although just half of me looked like I just jumped in a pool by the time we got back to base. For the most part it was a very good day; just reflecting, catching up on some important things, and spending the day with some amazing people.

            I wish I could describe full all the things I was feeling right now, but my thoughts are scattered all over the place with no real purpose or meaning behind them. Mainly just hopes, wishes, regrets, callings, and of course “what ifs”… some not even relating directly to India specifically, but because of India the thoughts have come up. I know it may sound confusing because you are not in my head exactly, but as of right now my mind is a very confused place so either way I’m sure you would be lost.