Day 21

Day 21

June 13, 2011

I feel a change of attitude, pace, and purpose in the second half of this journey. Deep and raw emotions that not even I can comprehend are being exposed and in a way I’m not really sure what the proper way to cope is. It is a frustrating thing when you yourself cannot even fully describe what exactly your heart is feeling or the experiences you are having. The first half of this journey to India has really been about serving others as best to my ability in any way possible and just discovering how blessed I am to have the things I do. I feel fine with the culture now although so many things about it still bother me, but the underlying point is that I have learned how to manage. I’m not scared or nervous to walk to places down the street with a few people or even around base alone. I think what my heart is desperately searching for is a quiet place. The room has been my place of comfort to come back and rest, but I find myself unable to sit still. Today though for the first time I found a roof top area that is my new refuge when I need space. You notice how much you long for fresh air. You realize how much you miss the silence of just a gently breeze. Even on the roof top and in the room you can almost always hear some commotion going on although we are a ways off the main road. You hear autos honking, tires screeching, whistles blowing, and occasionally if your lucky you can hear the birds chirping (mainly in the morning). Early morning and sunset are my favorite times here. The mornings are cool and the base is more peaceful than usual. The sunset always puts me at awe and allows me to reflect of the day and process everything I have been through. Recently the processing has been hard. I have been thinking about my whole life, what I have been though and experienced and have wondered just how I ended up here. It is hard to know that God brought me here for a reason…a few things have been really beneficial to me to learn and know, but I still have no clue just what God wants me to do. In a weird way I came here expecting to be God’s hands and feet and literally care for the needs of others, but what I haven’t realized that God has really used my time here to work on me. These feelings would have never been brought up while in the comfort of my home. I usually do not mind sharing stuff, but when I get back I would love to meet up and talk to tell you more about what I have been experiencing at this moment. It’s is just too personal for me right now to tell at this moment.

            One of the doctors is leaving to go back home to England on Wednesday. She comes and goes to India every three months---back and forth. I’m surprised she doesn’t have whip lash. She will truly be missed though. I cannot be more thankful to have her here at the begging when we arrived mainly for the fact that she made the transition so much easier. She has been such a blessing and help to so many people here. It will be a different environment on base and in the clinic when she is gone. She had been largely responsible for planning our time here and just scheduling us to meet up with different people in order to get the most out of our experience. We went to a Daba tonight for her going away party if you will. A daba is basically an outdoor family restaurant where the food is more like Indian BBQ and super cheap. We had so much to eat and my mouth was on fire… I am pretty sure I will need some sort of reconstructive surgery when I get home to replace the lining that is slowly being degraded in my intestines. The one good thing about super spice food I think it makes you think you eat more than what you really do. I seriously can eat like a table spoon of what is being served and then the nann. Tonight I sucked it up though and had to try like a table spoon of everything that was on the table. Super good until my water ran out… the only thing left to cool my mouth was the rice and trust me after eating it every single day here it is the absolute last thing I want to eat when I get back. Its about time for me to go to bed but of course our AC is not working again… just laying here I am sweating. Let’s hope it miraculously turns on again in the middle of the night, but like anything else I am doubtful. Please continue praying for the Dalit people, the malnourished population, for the potential staff at the new clinic in Rajasthan, and for my own refuge and understanding. All is great fully appreciated.